My life changing moment

 It was perhaps the 24th of April. My father had done my forefather's Shraddh karma on the 4th of April on a Sunday. I had high hopes that finally I would be free of the misery that had befallen me over the months. Some of the leftover puja samagri was also unused.

About midday, Guruji ( as we all fondly called him) called me on my mother' cell. I had begun to eagerly await and anticipate for his calls during those times. He was perhaps one of the only sole people who comforted me during those hellish times. I even used to get startled at sounds thinking it to be the ringtone.

The call had come after a lot of days, perhaps for the first time in April. Nor had I visited or met him for a long time. As soon as I held the phone, he told me that he is doing a special pooja for me for 10 days ( or some other number) , and I would greatly benefit , and i should do meditation by chanting a particular mantra. As soon as he chanted the first syllable of the mantra, something changed within me. I was filled with great energy and power. And it was as if I had just seen a white flash of light perhaps.

When I ended the call, I immeditately went to fulfill his instructions and sat down to meditate. What I felt was the beauty of my existence. Such amazing thoughts cropped up from my mind and gave me such joy. And the amazing and pristine awareness I felt, and especially the number of thoughts coursing through my head, it was baffling. 

I was unable to talk  to people at that time due to my past trauma, but I just had to clear my mind because enormous amounts of pressure rained on me... to act.

I took little slips of paper, and scribbled almost every thought that arose in my mind. Good or bad, moral or immoral, helpful or unhelpful, I just wrote. It was perhaps for the first time in my life that I had felt so alive. I was in a state of bliss. 

Over the course of the following few days I had filled many many more pages and diaries. I had fallen in love with myself and the world. But the struggle hadn't ended , it had just taken a new shape. 

That's  it for now. I have omitted many many details. Maybe for another time.